CONFUSION, NUMBNESS,

CONFUSION. NUMBNESS. NUMBNESS. NUMBNESS.
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I picked up the kid from school late at night. Kid has choir performance at Victoria Concert Hall. We were going up that flight of staircase and THERE HE WAS.

I dont know to run or face him. He reached out a HUGGED me. We cried. Together. What the heck. I havent been hugged for the longest time by him. It felt good. Secure. Safe.Warm. Thats all I needed. At that point.

Then we talked. And talked.

And he walked away, disappointed that I didnt want to come  home with him.

I didnt feel anything. Numb Numb Numb.

Divorce is a process. Its still on.

Good days, bad days

I've been told : there'll good days and there'll be bad days.

Today is a bad day. I let him sucked me into an argument. I hate it. Now I'm down in the dumps.

Need a good cry...

I survived!

Phew. I survived the week! A hectic week at the office. That's life when you are in this line of work. Datelines, datelines, datelines. Missing a dateline means someone has to pay for it, in dollars & cents. In other countries I heard its not so harsh, people still negotiate, based on compassion, on human error, on unavoidables. But here you PAY $$.

The while week I was telling my youngest that Saturday, I DON'T WORK &  THUS NO SCHOOL FOR HIM. Everyday I tell him we are almost there. And today I dont work and thus he has no school! Yeay! We can sleep in, spend time together. EXCEPT that today I have to go for a pre-divorce talk. So I was away for 4 hours. He spent time with his sisters, playing and just fooling around. And when I came home, he gave me the tightest hug. Aww. He knows I love him. I drum that into him everyday. We played the whole day and by 7.30pm he was already asleep! Heee..

I learnt a lot at the pre-divorce talk. Only me and another lady, Nor, attended so it was a close-knit session. At the end of it, we exchanged phone numbers, promised to keep in touch or just be the listening ear. Nothing like a fellow woman to understand the emotions you are going through right now. Sad. Anger. Confusion. Helplessness. Etc. Etc.

Nor is going through a more advanced stage of the divorce process. She is handling her 3 kids on her own since she "wants" the divorce so she has to take all the kids. Hmm. Sounds familiar. Since she "can't be patient" (her husband works on and off and so has financial problems), she has to be the one to find the resources. Hmm. Yes, familiar with that too. And since she "can't fulfill his needs", he has other women. Hmm. Yes, yes, sounds very familiar.

Are Men all the same???

Can't they be the one to rise to the occasion? Be the one to navigate the situations? Live out "the protector" job that God has ordained them to be?

I texted my husband: would he come to Court to register for the divorce, together with me (cheaper), instead of being summoned to Court? NO, he replied. He would rather be summoned. Have the summons pasted on his door. Bet he would like that very much. He could tell the world (esp his mom being witness) that his wife humiliated him.  Hmm. So much for letting me go in peace. As he said he would give me hell right?

Best thing is that the Court told me that there was a heavy caseload of divorce applications last month so mine was only filed last Monday. Duh. I thought a month has passed! Now I have to restart the 4 to 6 weeks count again. Double duh.

Daily Struggle

This is what it is everyday. A struggle to keep afloat. Physically I need all the strength - cook, clean, send kid to childcare, work, pick up kid, clean and cook again for tomorrow. 

In between spending time with my other kids. They are going through so much - exams over, results in. They did well considering the situation their parents are going through. Another is going through O levels. She shined in her pre-lims, Hopefully, she will shine in the real thing too, by God's grace.

In between the in-betweens, reading confusing text messages from him. The last was "Go. Get lost" . Hmm.  Shouldn't be reading too much into his text messages. He is angry. He is mad. He is wondering what to do since I'm not giving him the usual responses anymore. I need the emotional strength here. I do not want to cave in to his pleas or threats. Though I miss him,duhduhduh, hard to not miss the good side of him.

Let go. Let go. Let go. I should let go. Slowly but surely.

FINALLY. A JOB!

By God's grace, I finally got a job!

It doesn't pay as much as I expected though. I should be thankful. I am. At least this firm's giving me a chance since I've been out of the circle for a decade and I'm starting from scratch again. I start Monday.

My biggest worry though is my 3-year-old. He is still emotionally unstable, crying everyday when I send him to childcare. It breaks my heart but what can I do, but just show him that I love him and comfort him as much as I can. He just have to get used to  the routine.

Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex-husband has shown his softer side, trying to get me back for the kids' sake BUT on his terms. Duh. He sent me mushy song lyrics. Texted me endlessly, trying to get me to "see the light". On some days, out of despeartion, he would text insults, some of which are so vile, I don't even read them before deleting.

He still thinks he can solve everything himself. He still thinks he knows everything. He still thinks the wife has no right to question the husband as long as she has a roof over her head (hey, in which case, I don't even have) and gives her money.

He misses me, I know. He SHOULD. I m deeply missable. However, he is the same person who was mean to me, enough to make me leave. The only reason that he can miss me is because he is choosing, everyday, not to be with me. He knows darn well what it takes and he chose not to do it.

Status : SINGLE

There I have it. In my face. He said he is now single. Not even waiting for the court date or papers. He has moved on. And why am I kinda....s-a-d???

What do I expect? For him to come begging me to come back?  That he has CHANGED for the better?  That he won't HURT me ever again? That he has suddenly realise he should RESPECT me? That he misses me (yes, he actually texted me that but it has no effect anymore. Its just lip service). Dream on.

20 years of my life. Truncated. My children separated because of financial and space constraints. I hope to have them with me when I can. I HAVE TO GET A JOB!

No Headgear Policy

Today I went hunting for jobs, any walk-in interviews, I walked-in.  I went to Isetan, a boutique, Giordano & Daiso.  They all had advertised for retail positions.  Having been out of the retail world for eons (my last retail experience was at Guardian Pharmacy when I was waiting for my A level results), I was taken aback when as soon as I could say "I would like to..." , they shot back with a "are you willing to take off your headgear?". Bummer.

And now I am surfing the net again, sending out resumes.  It seems thejob is just there, waiting but its so out-of-my-reach. Guess have to stretch my patience. I WILL GET A JOB. With God's grace of course.  All His planning. I just have to be patient :-)

Panic Alert!

I'm panicking.

The job that I was supposed to get, was hyped by Susan that I would get, well, I DIDN'T GET IT. Huh. I asked God to show me and he showed me. Thank you God!

So now, under the i-didn't-get-that-job-and-i-need-a-job-to-pay-for-everything act, I'm doing walk-in interviews today. Any job. As long as I get some $$.

Wish me luck!

I can't make you love me if you don't

Got that song stuck in my head. The George Michael version. Seriously I think if George had met me, he wouldnt be gay, hurhur.

He texted me to sleep over. For the little kid's sake. Is he crazy?? I can't do that! He can't do that either. We are happier apart. I can imagine his sulky face after the first few hours of honeymoon...

I cant make him love me if he dont.

I asked him to tell the kids we are divorcing but he hasn't.  Obviously he is not taking me seriously.  From the way he text, he is going from angry, mellow, then being extra nice and polite.

I cant make him love me if he dont.

Please proceed...

When a marriage breaks down, we adults cope with new lives. Hey, even eager to start anew when the last few years of marriage had been a roller coaster of emotions.  But I feel so guilty dragging my children through this journey with me. 

My youngest is only 2 and 10 months.  He has been sick, on and off.  I've enrolled him in a childcare centre in anticipation of me going back to work.  He has been coping well, with the adjustments of his waking up, naps and meal times at the centre. I m so proud of him! But I cant deny  the fact that he misses his dad terribly. I have been sending him on visits to his dad, only to find out that his dad won't spend time with him. The other day he came home saying "daddy dont love me". It breaks my heart but I just have to help him cope, rite?

Another kid is going through O levels. Timing sucks, but is there a good time for a divorce? She seem to be coping well but only God knows what she is holding back inside.

The rest are taking one day at a time, shuttling between me and their dad's.


The bright spark today? Susan called to ask when I can start work IF she hires me! I pray if the job is good for my religion, my life on earth and herafter, pls God, let me get it. If not please give one that is.

No objection

I just got the confirmation today.  That he has no objection to it.  No counsel wanted. Though we desperately need it. He will pay for everything.  He can't wait to get on with his life.  That I should hurry.

I have accepted the fact that LOVE dies! It does. Once you stop loving someone, you can't re-love that person again.  No matter how you try.  It sorta turn to P-I-T-Y. Still a four-letter word huh?

This will be my journal. A life after marriage. That I will survive. And SHINE.

Though  I am grieving for the demise of my marriage, there are bright sparks in between - like how Susan, the interviewer at a job interview, kept saying how much she likes me, how much she trusts her instinct that I would fit the job that I was interviewed for - that's just a much-needed boost for my sagging confidence (among other sagging body parts, heh).  I m still on the market! I am still relevant! I am still wanted & needed!

I thank God for giving me a NEW DAY everyday.